traces of recently finished coffee
getting emotionally attached to a fictional character
“let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance”
listening to one of the most romantic songs ever
turning empty pages into songs
sunlight creeping though the windows
My life has been crazy these past two weeks. Literally insane. It’s not that I’m doing too much, though I have been doing a lot. It’s just that so much has happened in the past two weeks that I’ve had to process. So many new ideas and events that I’ve had to think about. I feel as though my life has completely tuned upside down and now I’m left to sort through the mess and decide what’s worth keeping and what’s best getting rid of. I actually had to think about what was worth my time thinking about.
It’s probably just because so much has happened so fast. Bam, bam, bam. There you have it. A whole new side of things. A whole new set of circumstances. Some concerns me directly; some are just things that have happened to my friends. They aren’t even bad things, just things that I had to form an opinion on.
You see, I had a plan. A great plan for my life and what I thought it should be and what I thought God wanted for me. And things aren’t turning out the way I’d planned. At all. So I’m left here in a mess and I look up and ask God what is going on. Did I do something wrong? Did I stray away? Did I miss some opportunity, or take a wrong one? Or was my plan wrong in the first place?
I’m not sure. But I think God is humbling me. I think He’s turning the tables on my life to make me rely on Him and not some plan I made when I was eight. Because the truth is, I do need to rely on Him. Completely. He is the only thing constant through the trial and the change. My world can spin around all it wants, but as long as my faith is in God I will stand on firm ground.
I don’t think planning is wrong by any means; it’s a good thing in fact. I just need to remember not to be so surprised when things don’t work out the way I thought they would. Accept things with grace, refuse to worry so much, find beauty in the chaos; that’s what I need to do.
Maybe life is just like a record: breakable, scratched, dusty. All awkward and flimsy and something different on each side. But it’s the crackle and pop that bring each vinyl its character. I need to see, hear, feel, live in the beauty of each surprising crackle and each spontaneous pop. Because that’s what makes life worth living, even if it takes awhile to process. In fact, I need to learn how to enjoy the crackle and pops.
Because the tables will always turn.
We all have those preprogrammed responses that we say when we aren’t really listening.
“Sam, you need to do your jobs.”
“I know, I know.”
We say them without really thinking.
“Sam, I need you to do this before you go.”
“I know, I know.”
We say them without caring.
“Sam, I’ve been feeling bad and need some support.”
“I know, I know.”
We say them without thinking of others because we’re so caught up in ourselves.
“Sam, that person has been doing this and needs help carrying on.”
“I know, I know.”
We say them with no compassion, no conviction, no meaning.
“Sam, that person needs a pick-me-up.”
“I know, I know.”
We say them to ourselves when we try to figure out our messed up lives or the lives of others.
“Sam, you’re doing this wrong. You need to do this.”
“I know, I know.”
And we say them to God.
“Daughter, I’m here.
“I know, I know.”
“Daughter, you need to change that.”
“I know, I know.”
“Daughter, this is what I’m calling you to do.”
“I know, I know.”
And the time when you find out that you don’t know makes you collapse. And you cry with the realization that you don’t know. Anything. You’re lost. You’re wandering. You’re speaking empty words. You’re selfish. You’re deaf. You don’t know. You’ve never known. Ever.
But God knows.
“I know, I know.”