Saw this on Pinterest as I was browsing the women’s fashion tonight. I think I’ll take its advice.

I actually don’t know the reason. I’m trying to figure it out. Maybe it’s just a stage in my life. Maybe it’s just where I’m at, but I’m not satisfied with that. I’m going to try and sort though some things — go through my brain and weed through my experiences, emotions to find the root of my feelings.

Almost two years ago, my brother told my family that he wasn’t interested in going to church anymore. My parents didn’t make him, and so he stopped going. A great sadness fell upon me at that time, but secretly I was jealous. He had been previously not living a Christian walk but knew what to say in youth group and around Christians to seem like a perfect kid — like we all know how to do. But his vocal declaration of stepping way from the church was such a declaration of truth. It seemed like by giving up the church life, he was living more in truth. He openly would listen to songs I viewed as inappropriate, he shamelessly would watch dirty youtube videos and TV shows that he used to do privately. And believe it or not, he actually would fight with my parents less and swear less after he turned away. Yes, I know, it was only his own moral truth he was living, not walking in the living truth, but still it felt genuine and real.

After reading over the above thoughts, there are several things that trouble me. First, everyone would talk about him not going to church anymore and quitting on youth group, but I rarely would hear about him walking away from the Lord. Isn’t that what really matters? Why do we get so caught up in church that we miss God? Oh yeah youth group is today, so that means food, games, and hanging with friends (I mean fellowship). And learning about God, right. I remember one of the last times my brother went to youth group we were talking about good fruit vs. bad fruit. When I talked to him later that night he said to me, “What does that even mean? Fruit. Like what is that?” Yes I know the metaphor, but in church we use too many symbols. We don’t just say things. We talk and discuss, but at the end of the day, there really wasn’t that much said. Given people can talk about many many great and true things, but what’s the point? Can’t they just tell me what to do? How to live this out? Teach me how to live. We’re told to embrace our talents yet die to self. We’re told be confident but humble. Yes that’s all good, but how for God’s sake? How! Stop talking fancy and speak to me. Talk real. Talk life. If that means swearing and saying “dirty” words fine. Make me be uncomfortable. Wouldn’t you rather me be uncomfortable about it in church than accept it in the real world. You see, the church should be the real world. It should be the realest part of life. “Church” is when fellow believers and lovers of God come together to help each other and lift up His name and MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Seriously, I’m sick of people that get more passionate about a new hair style on pinterest than they do about God each week.

What’s up with the church not being real? Or when youth leaders act like they have it all together — now that they are saved. Please don’t lie to me. I don’t want to hear it. How can I trust these people? The leaders, the church attendees, my “Christian” friends, when they watch the same dirty shows as my openly church defying brother? I remember having a conversation about drinking with someone in youth group and a leader said, “Not in church.” No? Not in church? So what, you want me to pretend this isn’t on my mind? Pretend I think going out to a bar and maybe getting a bit tipsy is an awful thing? Because I don’t. Is that so wrong? If it is, talk to me about it. If you see me doing something wrong, tell me. I want to know, but how can I know when I’m not allowed to be “bad” in church. I don’t want the “right” answer. I want to understand.

A few months ago I asked my brother why he decided not to go to church. His answer completely surprised me. It wasn’t some “I hate God and Christians” story, he simply said, “I got bored.” I wanted to cry. Bored? Of the most exciting story in history? Of the greatest act of love? Of the biggest adventure? Of the most dangerous mission? Of the most important thing? Bored? But I totally understood what he meant. People say all those things about walking the walk. They say it’s exciting and adventurous, but they don’t live like it is. If only people talked like they believed in the passion they spoke about. Or better yet, lived it. How many Christians make you excited to follow God?

Weeks ago, with all this mulling around in my brain, I asked the high schoolers of my youth group how they were doing spiritually. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I felt that question laided strongly on my heart and I figured there wasn’t any harm in asking. They had nothing to say. Either they didn’t feel comfortable sharing, or they literally had nothing to say. Either option is terrifying to me. This is church. This place more than any other should be the place where people are most comfortable talking about their faith. And having nothing to say about faith is also terrifying. Do they think about their faith? I have a feeling that question I asked was more for me than them…

What is wrong with us today? What’s wrong with me? For I don’t think I am so far removed from all these things myself. Why is superficial satisfactory? It deeply saddens me to see happy faces and good answers all the time. It saddens me to see perfect Christians, for we, more than anyone else, should know there is no such thing. I find myself distrusting of pure and good things because they don’t seem real. I haven’t seen them truly exist. But yet, I put on that happy face and give those good answers most of the time. I act like I’m all good. I watch those shows and pretend that they’re okay. Yes, I have a lot of work to do in my heart. And yes, I am the reason that I get discouraged at church.

This week I applied for a job for the first time, researched other job opportunities, took the placement test to get into community college, and figured out college classes. In the space in between, I played the ulk, practiced, practiced, practiced for the RAMI music competition, got asked to prom, and kept up with school, swing class, and drama. Yes, I’ve been busy. My adult life is taking off. And it doesn’t scare me. I’m ready.

With everything I have been doing, I’m starting to actually use a calendar. I printed this one and put it on my door.

The other day, I had an orthodontist appointment and did it all by myself. No parent walked me into the building or anything. Normally I would have felt nervous about that. What if I say something wrong? Or miss something the doctor says? But I was all confidence this time. Life is moving on, but so am I. I am growing as a person. I am understanding that I don’t know, and wanting to learn more. I’m excited to meet new people who have never heard of me — or my family. The danger of the unknown is driving me. I will discover more at each new turn of my life.