Tag Archives: Feels

Oh, the Sweetness

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I recently had my sweet sixteenth. Being the go get it, independent spirit that I am, I always loved turning another year older. But this year was different. Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated to get my license, and have all the other privileges that go along with sixteen, but this year I didn’t have the month long anticipation for my birthday. I wasn’t counting down the days, or guessing what my presents would be or anything. But there is one thing that I did do prior to my sixteenth. I wrote myself a letter. Just a short two page one. I wrote it about eight months ago and hid it in a draw to be opened on my birthday. Reading it again, I was actually amazed at how much I needed what I had written to myself.

You see, among other things, I set a goal for myself in the letter. Not a crazy resolution, but more like a simple thought: sweetness. For the sixteenth year of my life, I’m going to focus on being sweet. Right now (and prior to the letter), I wouldn’t think of myself as sweet. I try to be tough — as tough as an 105 lb girl can be. I try to be self-assured and I succeed most of the time, too. To me, those are both very very good things, and I’ve worked to attain them. But sweetness is also a necessity. With decisions to be made about my future (i.e. job, college, carrior, etc.) I need to keep a serving mind. I want to think of others. I want to care for them. I want to make someone’s day. I want to say nice things to people. I want to be appreciative and show I much I care. Because the truth is I care a lot. I just wish I could show it more.

So this year let it be

as you wish.

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RAMI Auditions

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Joey and I auditioned for the youth Rockford Area Music Industries (RAMI) competition last weekend. We spent hours practicing to polish up the three original songs we wanted to perform. I’ve sung regularly onstage since I was 10. I’ve sung at recitals, in church, nursing homes, and several other venues. I’m normally super comfortable singing in front of people, but on stage there was something I didn’t expect: I couldn’t see the audience, not even their silhouettes. There was just blackness. Emptiness. I knew there were people in the dark, but I couldn’t see or hear them. The end of the world seemed to be the end of the stage. Take a step and you could fall endlessly into the nothingness. Way far away, it seemed ages away, were the lights from the judges’ table. They seemed too far to ever reach and their hope — the hope of light, of winning — was more of a taunting fancy that was unattainable. I nodded to Joey telling him I was ready. I heard the familiar riff of our first song start. It was there, the sound, but it wasn’t coming from the guitar. It was coming up towards me from the blackness. The monitors. The sound was coming from the monitors. I got my bearings just in time to sing the first line. I could hear the echo of my voice deep in the dark. There was a faint hum of my voice after I had stopped singing.

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Photo credit: Joanna Kay Photography

After the first verse and chorus, something happened. My chest shriveled and finally collapsed after holding back the shaking that started in my stomach and went to the tips of my fingers. The lines of the second verse fell away from me- gone, into the emptiness before me. I grabbed at what was nearest in my mind, the third verse. Completely weak and shaking, I sang with all the power I had left the words to the third verse. Once the song was over, I regained my composure and finished the act flawlessly. The ten minutes of our audition time had flown by.

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I found out that no one could tell I messed up the song and that I looked completely natural onstage. Joey and I, along with six other bands, progressed to the final level. Joey and I will get 20 minutes to perform in April’s show before first, second, and third place winners will be chosen. Maybe I will be able to beat the darkness this next time.

Time to Embrace Love

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Normally Valentine’s Day is about giving to those you love. But as I think upon those things I can’t stop thinking about how much I’m blessed. Especially through my fiance. God has given me her and with her, so many wonderful things. So this Valentine’s Day I’m going to receive with open arms. -Vince

Vince is engaged to marry Kate in June. He is one of the sweetest men I know: always buying Kate little gifts, writing her notes, and generally being kind to everyone. Above was his status update for February 13. When I read it, I was struck. Not many men would think of such a thing, much less write it down.

His words inspired me to embrace the things I love. Chocolate and flowers are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But wouldn’t you rather spend hours with the one you love than get those things? Wouldn’t you rather someone hold you close and say, “I am so thankful I have you” than get handed a Hallmark card and stuffed animal? I know I sure would. That’s how I would choose to give love. But how would you? Maybe you would prefer chocolate (or both 🙂 ). You see, when it comes down to it, it’s not how or what we give to people but how we receive from people that matters. Receiving someone else’s love unselfishly, gratefully is so so important. Why? Because people show love in different ways. What means the most to me isn’t what means the most to other people. Someone could be showing me what he/she considers the highest form of love, and I could completely miss it.

Fnd out how the people you love show love and respond to that love. Acknowledge with praise and thankfulness the love they have shown even if that act wasn’t amazing to you. Because someone just opened their heart to you. Someone wanted to show you how much they care. Show them you noticed and go along with whatever they planned even if it doesn’t sound exciting to you. Because that’s what love is all about. It’s about the other person.

So let this Valentine’s Day mark when you receive the love you have been given with open arms and try not to let it go.

That Emotional Trick Called “Retreats”

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photo-5Retreats. Yup, they are complete manipulation. You stay up late, get dehydrated, run around, hug strangers, listen to powerful music and driving talks, and the last day you cry, “change your life”, go home and forget everything you so miraculously learned over the week/weekend. Such was, and to a point still is, my view of retreats.

So, why am I talking about retreats? Well, because I just came back from one. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go at all. I didn’t want to get sucked into the trick that was so carefully planned by youth leaders. I didn’t want a spiritual high because at some point I knew I would fall and so would every other hormonal teen.

What was the point?

The first night I was determined to have a good time because I was there, but I told myself I would not be emotionally moved. There was the overly enthusiastic group of 400 teens screaming and cheering for… what reason? God? Anyway, the band was good. Not so good that they were snobbish, but good. The theme, Anchored, was cool. And then the speaker.

Okay, at this point you’re probably guessing how this post is going to end. I’m going to say how much I was impacted and changed and how retreats are amazing and yada yada yada. You might be right, but you’re definitely wrong. That would be too typical, and life, unlike Hollywood, is not predicable. But I will tell you I’ve been telling myself to stop being bitter, to depend fully on Christ, be content with the present, and try to give my parents grace so we all can get through the next few months until I get a job and start community college. There’s a little prelude or teaser, or whatever for you.

Anyway, then came the first talk of the weekend. He opened by summing up what I thought of camps to a degree (his version was a bit more optimistic), but it got me listening. He spoke about how we are anchored to different things that are holding us down. Either the past, bitterness, or fear. Bitterness.

Moving on. Then we did the whole “stay up late, hug strangers” part during the gym game time that started at 11:30.

Saturday was fun. Think, 70ft swing fun. Think super fast tubing slide fun. Think laser tag fun. It was a jolly old time, Saturday was. I actually enjoyed myself without forcing myself to 😉 Oh, what am I going to do with myself? Two hour conversations by fires in coffee shops are wonderful things. Hearing the words “I understand” and “that’s hard” and “I’m sorry” are such relieving things.

The talks in the morning that I listened to were: Anchored to the Present and Anchored to Your Story. The present one talked about being content where you’re at and not rushing by because God has a plan for you now. That happened… And the other about how we need to share our stories about God with each other so we can have a clearer picture of who God is. Good stuff, but I had heard it before. I’ve been churched. Some of it did strike me. It was a good reiteration of what I knew. The evening talk was about having Christ as our Anchor. Okay, really starting to be a pattern here in case you missed it. Ugh. Then the powerful music.

I have this hope
As an anchor for my soul
Through every storm
I will hold to You

With endless love
All my fear is swept away
In everything

There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand
Unshakeable

I will not cry. I will not cry. I found myself torn between my own stubborness and that voice inside me calling. I will not cry. I am a stone. This is manipulation. Or is it the Spirit? I wanted to be free. I wanted to melt down on my knees and change, but I couldn’t.  I was trapped by anchors: bitterness, doubt, fear, defiance. I struggled, wrapped up in emotion of uncertainty. Okay, God. I don’t know what to do. Do something. I felt a hand tap my shoulder and a friend say, “Can I pray for you?” I said, yes. As she started to pray, her arms holding me in security and love, I began to cry, shedding tears I had so wanted to hold back. Mascara running, shaking in the knowledge that God will always be my anchor even when when I try to cut him loose.

Your Name is higher
Your Name is greater
All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing
Your promise unshaken
All my hope is in You

To finish up the weeded on Sunday the talk was on parents. Bam. Full circle. Oh, my. Next time you try to win an emotional battle, make sure God isn’t your opponent. He’ll win whether you want Him to or not. He’ll win when you need Him to.

P.S. Can I just say something about yoga pants? They are NOT pants. Girl, I do not need to see every curve. And Ugg boots? Seriously? UGGGG! No wonder you’re slipping every ten feet. Those things have no traction. But obviously I missed the memo because I swear 75% of the girls at the camp wore the combination of those two. #wat #mylife #stillwearingskinnyjeans

Watch videos of the trip:

Blasting Away!

Blasting Away 2!

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Trekkies Unite!

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The 5 Hayworths were together for the first time in forever and for the last time ever. We celebrated the occasion by running errands, going out to eat and buying these fabulous Startrek sweaters — one of my only impulse buys. Normally I would have been a stickler over $17.50, but I was buying more than a sweater. I was buying something hard to get: a sense of unity. Unity is what family should be all about. An unspoken knowledge that no matter what happens and no matter what someone does, everyone will be right there, loving, caring, and possibly laughing.

My sister just replaced her last name. A beautiful bride she was. Absolutely stunning. Thankfully, she married a Trekkie, so we don’t have to banish her. Ally was always mellow. It was hard to get her visibly excited about anything. But she was excited to marry her man, Daniel. The looks on both their faces when she walked down the aisle brought tears to my eyes. You could tell, just from their visage, that they were 1oo%, no doubt about it, in love. In fact, I’ve never seen her so happy as she was that day. So although the Hayworths are now only a collective of 4, we have a trek club of 6. And who knows when a little number 7 might pop into the equation.

Me, Kate, Ally, and Rachel before the wedding.

Me, Kate, Ally, and Rachel before the wedding.