I’ve wanted to go to college every since I remember. I remember my parents recalling memories from their college experience. I remember my mom saying, “college was the best time of my life.” I remember people saying it’s the only time you’re in walking distance from all your friends. I remember hearing that there are endless things to do, see, and learn. I remember a teacher telling me, “get to college and stay there for as long as you can.” I remember eagerly awaiting this once-in-a-lifetime experience where I’d be surrounded by a community. I remember expecting to be surrounded by people with ideas and passions.

Despite all my eagerness,  or perhaps because of it, I was not prepared for what awaited me.

College is the most negative environment I have ever been in. I’d say 75% of what I hear people say is some kind of complaint. Another 20% is about a party or club. I haven’t met a single passionate person here. Perhaps because of the “get to college and stay there” attitude teenagers going to college are given all the freedom of adulthood yet don’t assume the responsibility of adulthood. Or maybe this generation of adults can’t get past the party stage in life.

I thought college would be a time of shared ideas. But it’s a time of memorizing various bits of information. I haven’t even found anyone interested in talking about what was learned in class. I thought college would be organized and people would help you succeed. But instead they just tell you all the things you should do: get a job in your field, volunteer, join at least two clubs, take on a leadership position in an organization, attend weekend seminars and guest lecturers, do all your homework on time, read chapters before coming to class. Oh yeah, and having a social life is imperative to success. I’m not sure when they think anyone has free time to fit in social activities, but I guess it must somewhere.

I’ve heard of lots of kids who go away to college and then quit for various reasons. I’m definitely not a quitter, so that has never crossed my mind. I’ve just come to a cold realization that college is not going to be the best time of my life. At this point in time, college sucks 100%. The classes are actually the best part. That and having a gym so close. The end of last semester when relatives and friends would ask how college was going my generic response was, “It’s a thing. I’m doing it.” What else could I say?

I guess what scares me is that I’ve always wanted the next stage in my life. I’ve always been unsatisfied with where I was at in life. What if I’m never happy where I’m at? What if nothing will satisfy ever?

Being a Christian, this is where I would recognize that of course nothing on earth will satisfy. This is where I turn to God. Yet no comfort is there. I read my Bible, write in my journal, read spiritual books, pray, and still I find no peace, peace I believe and know to be real. Yet it eludes me.

I don’t know why God led me here. I don’t know why this has to be so incredibly hard. But I will trust this is where He wants me. I will trust this is in His plan.

I will trust this pain somehow will be used for good. I will praise Him despite my loneliness and longing.

I will turn to him even if I do not feel Him there.

I will sing to Him even when surrender is crushing.

I will pray to Him even when He does not answer.

And I will believe that He is holding His tired, scared, broken daughter through every trial he puts me through.

College is not what I thought. But God is bigger and better than anything I could dream or imagine.