Hair

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When I was 12 I wanted a pixie cut. You know, cute, short and risky. Well my hair dresser gave me a bob. And I hated it. I totally hated it. I felt awkward and worse, little. People actually assumed I was my age instead of several years older. For a 12 year old who was already the youngest in her friend group and family, it felt like the worst thing ever.

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Yes that liner was for my peacock costume.

So I grew my hair out. I let it grow grow grow. Slowly but surely, as my hair grew out people would guess I was a little older. More people would talk to me or ask me to dance at social events. Granted, it probably had more to do with the fact that I was older, started wearing makeup, and got my braces off; however, it felt like it was because my hair was longer. About a year and a half ago, I finally considered my hair “long”. And I didn’t want to change it. A sense of security came with my long hair. It was part of me. It was a strange status to have: “the one with long hair”. I felt empowered by it. I could look at other people and think I wish I had this or that of theirs, and then think “but I have longer hair”.

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A lot changes in 4 years. Yes it was quite possible that it was me that became more interesting and less awkward and not my hair. I started to realize this. And then I realized that I was letting my hair control me. I was making it too much a part of me. Making it an excuse to put down others. Making it an excuse to make myself feel better. Because my growing up processes including growing out my hair, I felt connected to it. So I started thinking of cutting it.

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But still I didn’t want to look younger. And then one day I thought about it and realized that I didn’t care if I looked my age or younger. I don’t care if my other hair cut was better. It was time for something new.

Photo on 6-26-14 at 6.15 PM #4

I’m having wayyy too much fun with it. Pretty spiffy curled too, eh?

Photo on 6-26-14 at 8.30 PM

 

The Importance of No Answer

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So I’m actually writing this because I haven’t written in a while and so I feel like I should have something to say. But truthfully, I don’t have much to say. Normally I write once an issue has been resolved or an event is over. But this time everything is still unclear. I find myself left with questions.

What is love?

What is this the time for?

Who do I want to be?

Who am I now?

Why are things that seem wrong right and vice versa?

Is it ever wrong to ask how someone is doing? 

Is it ever wrong to care?

What is most important to me? 

I am stumbling around trying to understand these questions. I’m tempted to say some of them can’t be understood or answered. But that doesn’t mean that the questions are wrong.

I easily get frustrated with confusion. I don’t like guessing. I don’t like it when I have no plan. I want a level of certainty in my life; so questions without answers bother me. I tend to internally freak out and shut down when I don’t know what to do. Normally this is when I do what I should have done in the first place: I ask God what to do. But then, more often than not, there is silence. Why does there have to be silence? So this time I didn’t ask God to make all the confusion go away. I didn’t ask Him to show me how my life will play out or how I should act. This time I asked Him for peace.

I don’t understand it, this peace. But it’s there even though there is no “reason” for it. It defies nature and it defies my ever important feelings. But it’s there.

I like knowing things, but sometimes knowing isn’t what’s important. Without confusion, how can we learn faith?

So here I am writing. Completely confused. Unsure how to carry on. Stuck in a predicament. And  here I am — at peace.

What the internet thinks I am

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Almost all of us have tried those online quizzes. And yes, I have too. These are some of my results.

I’m a rose “You have a noble and sophisticated bearing. You are an eternal romantic, and a firm believer in the power of love, which makes you a thoughtful and caring friend.”

I should have dark hair “You are cloaked in mystery. Dark and mysterious attracts guys and not girls, so you don’t have a lot of girlfriends. Instead, you’re one of the guys. Men respect you and women just don’t know what to think! Keep them guessing with a dark shade of black.”

I’m actually 18 “You’re a badattitude 18 year old. You feel like an adult, but you have so much living to do! Keep up your enthusiasm and be open to trying new things.”

I’m Maria from the Sound of Music “A confident free spirit, you believe everything happens for a reason — and that much more happens when you put your mind to it! You are creative, resourceful, and love music. You’re nurturing, patient, and kind — and probably great with kids!”

I would have a turquoise lightsaber “Turquoise-bladed lightsabers are usually less meticulously crafted or calibrated than other lightsabers, and can fail when put under too much pressure, but can also output more power than standard lightsabers. Turquoise lightsaber wielders tend to have personalities that match their more primal weapons, and they often act without first considering the consequences.”

I would live in a victorian house “You are slightly old-fashioned and appreciate traditional values. You like to live life fully, on a grand scale, and you celebrate every occasion with a sit-down family dinner and a bottle of champagne.”

I am Mary in the Bible “You’re the friend of everyone, loving and reflective. People feel comfortable in your home. You know how to prioritize. You don’t let your busy life distract you from spending time with the things that matter.”

I’m a sky blue crayon “You are calm and laid back and are the silent cord that holds the group together. ”

I’m the 1980’s “You are a larger than life, ambitious person. You believe that you should live big or go home. You appreciate the bold days of the 1980s, when no one ever toned it down. You believe in working hard and playing hard. You can’t help but love money and nice things. You are a bit ruthless and power hungry. The one who dies with the most toys wins, right?”

I’m a Tornado “It may seem like you can’t do much damage, but you can pack a big punch. You’re very powerful. You rarely swing into action, but when you do, look out! You can spin yourself into quite a frenzy. At your worst, you leave a serious path of destruction. You pretty much wipe out everything in site.”

I’m a Cheerleader of a friend “You’re the friend that’s always there to encourage and cheer on your friends. You’re the first one there to cheer them up after a bad day and you’re in the front row when they have a big day. Everyone needs a friend like you to help them celebrate or cheer them up when they’re down!”

I am spiritually gifted in faith “You are able to see things that most people can’t see. It’s almost like you can peek into the future. You’re have the mind of a great visionary. You are ambitious and you firmly believe in your goals, and you will reach them because you are the type of person who can.”

So were my scores accurate?

*update*

I am Rett Butler from Gone with the Wind “You are independent, daring, unafraid, and always thinking ahead. You love the finer things in life, and are excellent with money.”