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Waiting for the “not yet”

I have been lied to.

Following emotions and moments does in fact lead to heartache. It did feel incredibly like freedom, but it wasn’t real. I was trying to live the “not yet” now. Trying to enjoy intimacies only safe with commitment without one. Trying to enjoy the freedom of connection with no attachment. I so wanted to believe that complete rawness, complete openness was freedom. But when every whim is followed, every thought spoken, every desire indulged in, your very actions become the chains that imprison you. Nothing is concrete, nothing is secure; everything is susceptible to every passing fancy. There is no principle, no higher meaning.

In pursuit of catching every thought that dances across your mind, you lose your sense of identity and become nothing more than each exposed fantasy you indulge in. When the focus of these thoughts leaves or loses interest or betrays, your identity is gone. Who are you? Who are you when you cannot trust the deepest parts of yourself? Who are you when you cannot trust the deep desire of your heart or rely on the convictions of your brain? What is real when the strongest feelings lead to betrayal?

Of course I know the Christian response to such questions. I sincerely hope Jesus and the Bible is real. Otherwise nothing is.

I am learning or relearning what true freedom is. I am determined not to give way to whatever my feelings think up. I am more than my feelings. I will not jeopardize the “not yet” for some shadow now. I will trust in the timing of the Lord.

I do look forward to the time I can be completely open with no shame or fear. Yes I even long for it. But trying to have that now is impossible. It will not last. So I will patiently wait. I will patiently wait to share myself. I will patiently wait to open myself fully. I will patiently wait for the one I can show all my scars to and know he will spend his life covering those wounds. I will wait for the one I can give all my weapons to and know he will never raise them against me.

Oh the joy when God’s faithfulness is proved and the wait over. Oh the joy when the “not yet” become the “yes! now!” For in that moment it will be “yes now, and yes forever!”

Will you walk with me?

Will you walk with me…

On my journey? I don’t know what’s ahead, but I know the way. It will be hard, though it must be. Will you come? It’ll be crazier than I can imagine. Scarier than I care to entertain. But it will be better than anything that has come.

Will you walk with me…

When my spirits are high? The road is easy. The water fresh. I know where I’m going. Filled with hope, I take step after assured step. Will you sing with me? Let’s join with the birds and the babbling brook as we go, so light almost leaping.

Will you walk with me…

When the road gets rough? When I no longer know the way, by my side will you stay? The brook is gone. The birds are silent. Sing with me still, for ahead we will have our fill. The rain pours down washing away the trail. Again and again I try to press on and fail.

Will you walk with me…

When I no longer can go on. When my feet are bruised and eyes shut with exhaustion, will you lend me a hand? Encourage me; together we will find a way. Help me up, and I will stand Remind me of where we head.

Will you walk with me…

When you no longer believe in me? There is no sign of hope ahead. “Turn back,” you say, but I press on instead. Will you follow when all faith is lost? Will you let me remind you of a life almost forgot? Walk hand in hand with me as we blindly press on.

Will you walk with me…

When one day we at last make it. All hope fulfilled, all dreams true. Sing with me forevermore surrounded by the other faithful few. Joy at last is seen face to face, rejoicing on in this place. No more pain will reign our lives. Only peace will be proclaimed.

One day this is where we will forever be. One day we will see. And all the times that seem lost, will become a small cost.

But for now…

Will you walk with me?

 

 

Time After Time

Way back in October I started planning a New Years Eve Party to distract me from school. The whole process was soothing to the soul from the choosing of the theme to filling the dishwasher full of used champagne glasses. I spent lots of time planning, shopping, cooking, decorating, and eventually cleaning up.

I was so thankful to have (almost) all my friends and family celebrate together.

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Playing pin the hand on the clock

Happy 2017!

MIZ

I’m over half way done with my first semester here at Mizzou. Wow, life is crazy. I’m enjoying the beautiful campus and learning a lot. I’m saddened by the beloved friends I haven’t been near in 6 months, but I’m meeting new people and making new friends. Getting used to change isn’t coming too easily, but I know this is were God has put me. All I can do is live the best I can now learning all I can.

I was blessed with a job at Jesse Hall in the residency office and joined a campus church called The Rock. So far my favorite place to eat is a stir fry place in one of the dinning halls called Plaza. I eat there almost everyday. I also have started working out at 7am with one of my new friends and life group leader. It’s a bit rough, but pain is gain (or so I’ve been told). I’ve also joined the Sports, Park, Rec and Tourism Assoc better known as SPRTA (pronounced Sparta), and I serve on the exec board as the S&N student council rep. In my little bit of free time I try to make it to the swing club and the climbing wall.

The most frustrating things so far have been group projects, vague lectures, and not exactly knowing what God wants me to do. But then again God never promised to show us everything.  So I’m trusting as best as I can and trying to live in joy through this roller coaster that everyone says is the best time of their lives.

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Getting ready to run through the columns with my fellow tigers.

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Participating in another Mizzou tradition: kissing the 50.

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Memorial Union

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The Columns with Jesse Hall in the background.

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ZOU

What the internet thinks I am

Almost all of us have tried those online quizzes. And yes, I have too. These are some of my results.

I’m a rose “You have a noble and sophisticated bearing. You are an eternal romantic, and a firm believer in the power of love, which makes you a thoughtful and caring friend.”

I should have dark hair “You are cloaked in mystery. Dark and mysterious attracts guys and not girls, so you don’t have a lot of girlfriends. Instead, you’re one of the guys. Men respect you and women just don’t know what to think! Keep them guessing with a dark shade of black.”

I’m actually 18 “You’re a badattitude 18 year old. You feel like an adult, but you have so much living to do! Keep up your enthusiasm and be open to trying new things.”

I’m Maria from the Sound of Music “A confident free spirit, you believe everything happens for a reason — and that much more happens when you put your mind to it! You are creative, resourceful, and love music. You’re nurturing, patient, and kind — and probably great with kids!”

I would have a turquoise lightsaber “Turquoise-bladed lightsabers are usually less meticulously crafted or calibrated than other lightsabers, and can fail when put under too much pressure, but can also output more power than standard lightsabers. Turquoise lightsaber wielders tend to have personalities that match their more primal weapons, and they often act without first considering the consequences.”

I would live in a victorian house “You are slightly old-fashioned and appreciate traditional values. You like to live life fully, on a grand scale, and you celebrate every occasion with a sit-down family dinner and a bottle of champagne.”

I am Mary in the Bible “You’re the friend of everyone, loving and reflective. People feel comfortable in your home. You know how to prioritize. You don’t let your busy life distract you from spending time with the things that matter.”

I’m a sky blue crayon You are calm and laid back and are the silent cord that holds the group together. ”

I’m the 1980’s “You are a larger than life, ambitious person. You believe that you should live big or go home. You appreciate the bold days of the 1980s, when no one ever toned it down. You believe in working hard and playing hard. You can’t help but love money and nice things. You are a bit ruthless and power hungry. The one who dies with the most toys wins, right?”

I’m a Tornado “It may seem like you can’t do much damage, but you can pack a big punch. You’re very powerful. You rarely swing into action, but when you do, look out! You can spin yourself into quite a frenzy. At your worst, you leave a serious path of destruction. You pretty much wipe out everything in site.”

I’m a Cheerleader of a friend “You’re the friend that’s always there to encourage and cheer on your friends. You’re the first one there to cheer them up after a bad day and you’re in the front row when they have a big day. Everyone needs a friend like you to help them celebrate or cheer them up when they’re down!”

I am spiritually gifted in faith “You are able to see things that most people can’t see. It’s almost like you can peek into the future. You’re have the mind of a great visionary. You are ambitious and you firmly believe in your goals, and you will reach them because you are the type of person who can.”

So were my scores accurate?

*update*

I am Rett Butler from Gone with the Wind You are independent, daring, unafraid, and always thinking ahead. You love the finer things in life, and are excellent with money.”