Category Archives: Strangeness of Me

4. Gospel and Religion

This post belongs to a series on the inner mess of my mind. If this seems at all interesting, begin by reading “1. Uncovering the Mess”. Welcome.

Summer of 2017 at camp was an oasis. By the end of staff training I had made genuine friends and developed a deep love for these people I had only known for two weeks. The openness, compassion, and honor of these people was amazing. I felt joy for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again. I was having fun. There was something so different about my fellow staff. I have been a part of many christian groups over the years and I have never come across such amazing people as those at Lake Geneva Youth Camp. These people have their struggles, failures, and shortcomings just like everyone else. We had our personal and theological differences. I got frustrated with some of them at times, but as a whole, we were a united front. I was feeling good about the friends I had made and enjoyed getting to know these people more and more each day. I finally felt like I was growing instead of fading away. I had a group of girls who would grow with me, cry with me, and be silly with me. But I was challenged by two 20 year-old men.

First was the spiritual devotion and theological wisdom of Aaron. Aaron has seen his fare share of pain and abandonment. Yet continues to dig into the spirit and word. The more life is difficult, the dipper into God he abides. He has a gift for prayer. At school he spends two hours in the morning in prayer every day before class. When he prays for people his words are powerful. He truly believes what he is praying, is investing in what he is praying for, and has faith in who he is praying to. The result is miraculous. I had never met anyone who was so obviously seeking God before. I had heard about this kind of devotion, but never witnessed it. Here was someone who was a deep thinker, who had suffered, and asked tough questions. Yet concludes Jesus is the answer every time. To Aaron, everything was about God because God was the only thing worth being about. I started re-evaluating myself and found myself missing something.

And then there was charismatic, fun-loving Edward. Edward was instantly liked by everyone he met. He was kind, funny, and brought life where ever he went. Even some of the staff that didn’t get along super well were soon getting along when Edward was there. He united the whole group. He was genuinely excited to be at camp, but nothing got him more excited than talking about Jesus. He was eager to learn and love. And it was contagious. During his testimony at staff training (we all took turns sharing in morning devos), he shared that he had only been a Christian for 8-months. Eight months? I was shocked. How could such a “perfect” Christian be less than a year old? He finished his testimony with these words, the words that haunted me, “I don’t know that much about the Bible. I don’t know every story or every person. I don’t know every technical term or definition. But I know the gospel.”

At first these words confused me. The bible and the gospel where the same thing, right? As I reflected and battled with these words I realized that I knew the Bible and Christianity, but I didn’t know the gospel. Unlike Edward, I hadn’t felt the freedom of sin lifted. I hadn’t felt that peace. I hadn’t felt, as Aaron concluded, that Jesus is the only thing worth being about. I was following the Bible and Christianity more than I was following Jesus and the Spirit. No wonder I couldn’t share Jesus with people at MIZZOU — I only really knew about religion.

I firmly believe that I was saved at this time, but God was definitely working a in my life at this time. Looking back, he was very gracious. He gave me good friends who loved Him, but more than that, he gave me some people to help and some people to help me. I am the type of person that feels useless if I am not helping people, and there were some staff members who really did need support. (I probably put too much of my worth and pride in helping others, but that is a discussion for another time). Because I have focused so much of my life on being the person who helps others, I never really had asked any elder for guidance. The College Staff Supervisors at camp where some of the most amazing people I had ever met. They were in the process of raising support to be missionaries in Africa, and they were hoping to move oversees by September of that year. Yet in their fundraising process, they completely poured themselves our for the 65+ college staff that summer. By June, I was calling them mom and dad. I talked with my camp mom about the spiritual struggles I was going through. I wanted God to speak to me the way He spoke to her, but I felt like he was always silent. I told her I felt like God wasn’t doing anything in my life or using me (and I really wanted to be useful). I told her that I didn’t like how boring my testimony was (I mean come on, “I grew up in church and don’t remember when I was saved” is never a crowd favorite).

Camp mom really challenged me. She told me that I should be thankful God has spared me from having an “interesting testimony” for that oftentimes comes with pain beyond imagining. She challenged me to know God, not just know about the Bible. She gave me the book Experiencing God, and I was struck by the words, “God is more interested in you getting to know him rather than you doing things for him” and “God is already working around you. Pray that he would show you where to join his work”. These ideas had never been stated to me so plainly. It isn’t about doing things for God and being the perfect Christian girl who helps all the other lost sheep. It is just about knowing and loving God.

By the end of the summer, I felt rejuvenated. I had the months of community (people to walk with, people to help lead, and people helping to lead me). God had even provided new housing at MIZZOU through one girl I had met at camp. I would be living in the Christian Campus House for my last semester at school. God seemed to be a provider for the first time in my life.

But my new found enthusiasm didn’t last long at school. After all, if it is all about knowing God, how the heck do you do that?

I work here, but it’s not work.

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Several weeks this semester I’ve worked over 50 hours a week on top of my 17 credits. It sounds worse than it is. In reality, 20 of those hours are spent at camp. It’s about an hour drive to Lake Geneva Youth Camp, and I’ve been going up almost every weekend. My mom is concerned that I need to ease up and destress. I respond that camp is my destress.

Story time: It was minus 20 degrees. I worked outside all day at the giant swing and then headed to Conference Point Center for lazer tag in the evening. I suggest taking my car across the lake because I know it’s reliable. Previously, the truck we normally take wouldn’t start because of the cold. However, because I’m a minor and my car isn’t on camp insurance, we took a camp van. The problem with this camp vehicle? The gas light doesn’t work. No big deal. Kitchen staff filled it this morning. “Yay,” I think to myself as we head to CPC. “Warmth inside at last.” But no. Tippiwalkin, the building we set lazer tag in, is unheated. It’s now past sunset and the inside of Tippi acts as a freezer: no wind, just bitter, bitter cold. My toes hadn’t defrosted from being outside all day, and they went completely numb. Good times. After lazer tag ended, it was time to head back. We get off the highway and are just entering the quaint Lake Geneva town when the lights of the van start flickering on and off. The gas peddle isn’t responding. Yep, we ran out of gas. You know what no gas means? No heat. We waited around in the freezing van for about 20 minutes until my boss saved us. That was one of the coldest days of my life.

Yes, I know it’s strange, but I actually gain energy by working at camp. Yes, it does make me happy. Plus I got to share rec life with my friend, Than!

I’m also learning super cool things at the rock wall. I was able to start one of the hardest courses at the wall: yellow. I was super proud. I haven’t made it to the top on yellow yet, but it’s a working progress. My biggest accomplishment is that I can climb up a rope. My boss, Neil, taught me how. After watching me he said that I should join cross fit with him because I would be good at it. These are the comments that warm my soul.

3 everyday things I hate

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There are very few things that I will put off to the bitter end; there are very few things that I absolutely detest doing. These are three of those things. Actually, these are the only three that I can think of.

1) Vacuuming. I really hate vacuuming. I think this goes back to those times when I was five or so and had to hull our 20lb vacuum around the house. It was hard. But then the wheels on the vacuum we currently have went kaput sever years back. So not only does it weigh as much as an elephant, but it also refuses to move in any sort of rational manner. I tell you, this vacuum has it out for me. Every time I use it, I get a bruise somewhere. I would rather do any house chore over vacuuming. And don’t even think about asking me to vacuum the stairs… it sucks.

2) Making my bed. I don’t mind the simple task of tidying up my comforter each morning, although, that’s a bit cumbersome. I’m referring to the process of putting the sheets on the bed. My bed has always been in the corner of my room, whatever room that might be. This means the half of the bed isn’t in open access. How is one supposed to tuck the corners in? I mean, I can move the bed away from the wall a bit. But it’s heavy. As with the vacuum, bruises. My bed frame is made of wood. With sharp corners. Plus I think my actual mattress is made of rocks. I also hate making my bed because it’s extremely unsatisfying. My covers never seem to stay on my bed. So I spend all this time trying to fix it up and tucking and pulling and then they all just fall off. Every. Single. Time.

3) Taking a shower. Yes, I know it’s a bit gross, but I really hate showers. I will put off taking a shower to the very last minute. Which basically means until I completely smell in the summer and until my hair is a grease pit in the winter. So roughly every three days. I have a system see, I wear my hair down the first and maybe second day, then I’ll curl it, then I’ll wear it up or put a hat on for the last day. I’m really looking forward to sonic showers. I don’t like anything about the current bathing process. It’s itchy, soap get’s in your eyes, shaving is a drag, plus you have to dry off which takes forever, and the whole thing leaves me feeling like a wet moldy sponge all day. Now that is gross.

I’m a working gal

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I don’t necessarily work in retail, but I think some of the retail stereotypes still apply at my bookstore job. I’ve had some interesting experiences. And I’ve really learned a lot. Probably the biggest thing I’ve learned is how to make and deal with a mistake. Some situations are just rough. Here are a few rough situations:

1) When telling a customer you can help them at register 3, never say “I can check you out right here.”

2) When trying to recover from saying “I can check you out right here”, don’t say “I mean, I can do you right here.” Just don’t.

3) When asking a not too shabby looking guy for a phone number under his account, don’t say “Can I have your number?”

4) When answering the phone, remember that this is your territory and the other person probably feels just as uncomfortable.

5) But in case you still are nervous, don’t stumble over your own words, e.g., “Is there any other answers that you have that I can question?” Just take your time and get the words out correctly. Yeah…

6) Don’t read sad books when there are no customers to help. You might start crying.

7) When dealing with a crabby customer, try not to talk to them like they’re a child. “It doesn’t look like we can buy this book back.” Moments later, “We’re still unable to buy this book back… See this water damage? We can’t buy any books back with water damage… This book, we’re unable to buy it back… I’m sorry, we can’t buy this book… Okay, let me try this one more time and we’ll see if you can understand. WE CAN’T BUY THIS BOOK BACK.” At times like these, I’m glad I’m not a manager.

Bop to the Top

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School is almost done, and I find myself thinking of how much I have. I have a great college. The perfect college job, the perfect amount of down time. Yes, there are crazy, hard things to get through (mostly statistics), but life is so good. And, although B is for bad, it’s not the end of the world.

Plus I’ve been able to join part of the Engagement Team for Transform Rockford. I’m greatly looking forward to directing some energy there.

A few other great things happened just today. I have been thinking of joining student government at Rock Valley College, and today two of the board members at different times invited me to join!

Also today I randomly felt that I should offer my house to host some InterVarsity event over Christmas break. Before I could tell one of the leaders, an opportunity arose without me bringing it up. It just goes to show what an open mind and heart can do. Be ready and listen for God’s voice. Don’t be anxious. You’re where you are for a reason. God has your back. And everything else.