This post belongs to a series on the inner mess of my mind. If this seems at all interesting, begin by reading “1. Uncovering the Mess”. Welcome.
I was raised going to church, Sunday school, Awana, youth group, the whole shebang. My Sundays mornings were full of sermons and songs and my Wednesdays nights full of icebreakers and videos trying to get the youth hyped. I was told in these settings, at home, and by my Christian friends of the hope of the Gospel. I was told of the joy of the Lord. I was told that the “rules” in the Bible were not to keep people from having fun but rather there to protect people. I was told that following these “rules” would provide the best life — the fullest, the most contented life. Breaking these “rules” would result in sadness and despair.
This made sense to me. Think of any game. Take basketball for example. If the players did whatever they want with no clear goal, rules, and guidelines, would the game be fun? Would it even work? One person would be dribbling the ball and another would be throwing it. Chaos would ensue. The need for rules in life can even be seen by kids. Put a group of kids together and no matter what they decide to play weather it’s a game or make-believe, they will come up with standards of what is and is not okay in order to structure their play. Because of this logic, I never questioned the need for rules or moral guidelines. And because the Bible was what I was taught growing up, I believed it contained the true guidelines.
But as one grows and life gets less black and white and more grey, a realization that guidelines are not one size fits all begins to sink in. Yes, basketball needs one set of rules in order for the players to succeed. But not everyone is a basketball player. Some prefer football. Or tennis. Or cheerleading for that matter. Take one of those players and make them follow a different set of rules and they would not succeed.
When I began thinking of these things, I had many questions about the purpose of the Bible and Christianity. The answer I found over and over again was that Bible was not a rule book to guide to one the best life but rather a personal invitation to know God. Following the guidelines in the bible were not about bringing you fulfillment, but rather to draw one closer to God. Doing the right thing was not about making oneself good, but was rather about making oneself holier. And being holier was about honoring God in humbleness. The personal invitation view of the Bible appealed to me. If the bible really was just a rule book, then it would probably just be a list of… well… rules. But it isn’t. It’s a collection of stories. Personal stories about people experiencing God. Even the books of the Bible that are more instructional are written by people with a very human touch. Also, if the Bible was a rule book, life would just be one big test of how accurately you know and followed the rules and judgement day would basically be the day when the SAT scores of life were posted. However, that type of judgement day is not what the Bible talks about. The bible is very realistic in the sense that it knows that people are incapable of absolute perfection. It knows people will not be able to live up to a perfect standard of holiness. God is perfectly holy. And because humans are not, we have driven a wedge between us and God. If God is light, he can pierce the darkest night. But we are walking around with blindfolds on. No matter how bright the light is or how much we want to see the light, we cannot because our eyes are covered. Jesus is the one that takes takes our hand and guides us towards the light and ultimately takes off our blindfold. As long as we hold onto Jesus, we will be heading toward the light. The goal is to know the light. And knowing the light that brightness the dark world will (should) bring about praise.
Surrendering to God is more about God becoming greater than me becoming good. As this realization manifested, a couple of new thoughts entered my mind. #1) I could follow God with everything, He could take everything and leave me with nothing just to give himself glory. #2) It is kind of selfish of God to make everything about him. and #3) Is god really worth it?
I realize how horrible these thoughts are. In order to understand why I even dared to think these things, I must explain…. well that will take a couple more posts.
I am an external processor. This means I learn what I am thinking/feeling when I can turn the myriad in my mind into words. This can take a spoken or written form. Lately, writing has been the only way for me to process what is going in my head and heart. My blog has been an avenue of many of these external processes in the past. Those posts are personal and real, but their conclusions are always encouraging or positive. By the infrequency of posts here, you may be able to gather that I often do not reach a positive conclusion — if I ever reach a conclusion at all. The place where the messy, raw, confused thoughts get pulled out and dissected are in my journal. It doesn’t seem fair that I only post the “happy” posts here. I understand discretion and privacy. I could even argue that I understand it too much. I conceal my true feelings and thoughts from even those closest to me. A quick sarcastic comment or shrug can easily brush off the nicest of inquires as to how I am really doing. The truth is, often times I can’t even express how I am really doing because I have covered up how I feel. For a long time I wasn’t even journaling. I coudn’t even bare to write the thoughts in my mind. I didn’t want to process how I was feeling because it was too painful. I didn’t want to share how I felt because I couldn’t bare for those closest to me to be as disappointed in me as I am.
