Category Archives: God is good

4. Gospel and Religion

This post belongs to a series on the inner mess of my mind. If this seems at all interesting, begin by reading “1. Uncovering the Mess”. Welcome.

Summer of 2017 at camp was an oasis. By the end of staff training I had made genuine friends and developed a deep love for these people I had only known for two weeks. The openness, compassion, and honor of these people was amazing. I felt joy for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again. I was having fun. There was something so different about my fellow staff. I have been a part of many christian groups over the years and I have never come across such amazing people as those at Lake Geneva Youth Camp. These people have their struggles, failures, and shortcomings just like everyone else. We had our personal and theological differences. I got frustrated with some of them at times, but as a whole, we were a united front. I was feeling good about the friends I had made and enjoyed getting to know these people more and more each day. I finally felt like I was growing instead of fading away. I had a group of girls who would grow with me, cry with me, and be silly with me. But I was challenged by two 20 year-old men.

First was the spiritual devotion and theological wisdom of Aaron. Aaron has seen his fare share of pain and abandonment. Yet continues to dig into the spirit and word. The more life is difficult, the dipper into God he abides. He has a gift for prayer. At school he spends two hours in the morning in prayer every day before class. When he prays for people his words are powerful. He truly believes what he is praying, is investing in what he is praying for, and has faith in who he is praying to. The result is miraculous. I had never met anyone who was so obviously seeking God before. I had heard about this kind of devotion, but never witnessed it. Here was someone who was a deep thinker, who had suffered, and asked tough questions. Yet concludes Jesus is the answer every time. To Aaron, everything was about God because God was the only thing worth being about. I started re-evaluating myself and found myself missing something.

And then there was charismatic, fun-loving Edward. Edward was instantly liked by everyone he met. He was kind, funny, and brought life where ever he went. Even some of the staff that didn’t get along super well were soon getting along when Edward was there. He united the whole group. He was genuinely excited to be at camp, but nothing got him more excited than talking about Jesus. He was eager to learn and love. And it was contagious. During his testimony at staff training (we all took turns sharing in morning devos), he shared that he had only been a Christian for 8-months. Eight months? I was shocked. How could such a “perfect” Christian be less than a year old? He finished his testimony with these words, the words that haunted me, “I don’t know that much about the Bible. I don’t know every story or every person. I don’t know every technical term or definition. But I know the gospel.”

At first these words confused me. The bible and the gospel where the same thing, right? As I reflected and battled with these words I realized that I knew the Bible and Christianity, but I didn’t know the gospel. Unlike Edward, I hadn’t felt the freedom of sin lifted. I hadn’t felt that peace. I hadn’t felt, as Aaron concluded, that Jesus is the only thing worth being about. I was following the Bible and Christianity more than I was following Jesus and the Spirit. No wonder I couldn’t share Jesus with people at MIZZOU — I only really knew about religion.

I firmly believe that I was saved at this time, but God was definitely working a in my life at this time. Looking back, he was very gracious. He gave me good friends who loved Him, but more than that, he gave me some people to help and some people to help me. I am the type of person that feels useless if I am not helping people, and there were some staff members who really did need support. (I probably put too much of my worth and pride in helping others, but that is a discussion for another time). Because I have focused so much of my life on being the person who helps others, I never really had asked any elder for guidance. The College Staff Supervisors at camp where some of the most amazing people I had ever met. They were in the process of raising support to be missionaries in Africa, and they were hoping to move oversees by September of that year. Yet in their fundraising process, they completely poured themselves our for the 65+ college staff that summer. By June, I was calling them mom and dad. I talked with my camp mom about the spiritual struggles I was going through. I wanted God to speak to me the way He spoke to her, but I felt like he was always silent. I told her I felt like God wasn’t doing anything in my life or using me (and I really wanted to be useful). I told her that I didn’t like how boring my testimony was (I mean come on, “I grew up in church and don’t remember when I was saved” is never a crowd favorite).

Camp mom really challenged me. She told me that I should be thankful God has spared me from having an “interesting testimony” for that oftentimes comes with pain beyond imagining. She challenged me to know God, not just know about the Bible. She gave me the book Experiencing God, and I was struck by the words, “God is more interested in you getting to know him rather than you doing things for him” and “God is already working around you. Pray that he would show you where to join his work”. These ideas had never been stated to me so plainly. It isn’t about doing things for God and being the perfect Christian girl who helps all the other lost sheep. It is just about knowing and loving God.

By the end of the summer, I felt rejuvenated. I had the months of community (people to walk with, people to help lead, and people helping to lead me). God had even provided new housing at MIZZOU through one girl I had met at camp. I would be living in the Christian Campus House for my last semester at school. God seemed to be a provider for the first time in my life.

But my new found enthusiasm didn’t last long at school. After all, if it is all about knowing God, how the heck do you do that?

Dreams and Privilege

Leave a reply

These days are strange. I start most texts with, “I hope you are doing well in these crazy times.” When I turn onto once full main roads, they are now empty. Stores are closed. All gatherings and social events have been cancelled for at least a month. Schools are shut down. Most people are working remotely. We have been told not to leave our homes except for groceries and exercise. If you would have told me at the beginning to 2020 that this is where we would be, I wouldn’t have believed you. Yet here we are. The whole world is seemingly shut down or at least drastically impacted. COVID-19 has swept across the world.

At first glance things appear to resemble doomsday or the apocalypse, but there is another side to this story…

These days are strange. When I turn onto roads once packed with cars, I am now met with neighbors walking, biking, and enjoying the beautiful weather. Hearts are opened with friends and acquaintances checking in on each other and actually freely giving if there is a need. Families usually separated by busy work and school lives are now together. There is no pressure to attend every event/fundraiser/birthday party. No pressure to have it all together. With less to consume, people are turning to creating. With less to purchase, credit cards and bank accounts get a break. Everyone gets a break. For the first time in a long time, the whole world is taking a deep breath.

Although the world has been turned upside down, I can’t help but hope… dream… that we will live differently after this. I hope we can take some of the good. I hope we see that we CAN change overnight.

I hope individuals realize the do not need as much as they thought. I hope they treasure the relationships they have. I hope parents take active roles in their children’s lives and appreciate teachers, coaches, babysitters, and instructors for everything they have done to aid and support their kids. I hope people see community as a blessing and neighborly friendship as a given — not an exception. I hope people pick up hobbies again. I hope they take time for themselves. I hope they take time to reflect, not just react. I hope individuals look for something more than just this life.

I hope corporations realize that they can be more flexible. I hope they see that happier families means healthier employees and a healthier economy. I hope remote work is more common place to decrease pollution and keep families together. I hope CEOs see the clear skies and rivers and take a responsibility for pollution. I hope businesses appreciate the working class that keep the everyday, “unimportant” tasks going.

I hope governments see that healthcare is important for everyone. I hope politicians care more about the health of individuals than the stock market. I hope they regulate business and hold them accountable to practice sustainability. I hope they invest in renewable and clean energy sources rather than immediate easy access.

This is my prayer. I hope the world learns to slow down and take a breath. I hope the world learns to connect. I hope the world wants to be better. I hope we get better. I hope this virus isn’t for nothing. I pray that this isn’t for nothing. I pray God will use this crazy time to make a lasting change here on earth for eternity — for His glory which is our good.

*****

I feel often feel guilty for such naive dreams. I slowly recognize it is only my privilege that allows me to dream. I can look at the factories shut down and dream of a world with less pollution. Yet many have lost jobs and are in a place of great uncertainty. I can see schools closed and dream of families reunited. Yet school is a safe place for many children with terrible home lives. I can stock up on weeks worth of food and not worry about the money. Yet some families cannot afford to do so and risk not having enough available to them when they need it. I can see the world on pause and think of how wonderful the break is. Yet seniors and those with some mental disabilities are dramatically affected by the change of rhythm. I can feel blessed by friends and neighbors checking in on me. Yet there are others who are experiencing complete isolation right now. I can go out and feel safe in a makeshift facemask. Yet my African American neighbors risk being labeled as suspicious or worse if they do the same. I can honestly enjoy this time. Yet those most susceptible to this virus are fearing for their physical safety. And my Asian brothers and sisters are anxious as racism sores in the face of fear.

Yes, it is only my privilege that allows me to dream of a better tomorrow. My age, race, health, and status in society give me yet another kind of privilege – the privilege to think beyond today and the luxury to see a silver lining. When I think of all this, I am overwhelmed. Change is so simple in my mind. A better tomorrow is just a day away for me. But that is not the case for so many. Are these dreams naive? Should I just morn this broken world? After all, how could all this be fixed? And even if it is fixed for me and my “world”, would my “better world” bring hardship upon others? How should I continue? How can I help?

Awareness, I feel, is not enough. Yet my head starts spinning thinking of all the areas in the world that truly need justice. I have no answers today. But I have hope. I have hope in the One who holds are things together and who promises to bring a new heaven and a new earth. And while I hope in my Redeemer and follow his call, I can also grieve for all those made in His image who tangibly feel the weight of sin on this world in ways I never will.

The long awaited wedding

Leave a reply

So the first of my friends got married this month. It’s still crazy to think that I’m old enough to have friends that are married. These two are such inspirations. They are a perfect example of God’s love. It had truly been wonderful to witness their love. I feel so blessed I was able to take the train up for their beautiful day.

A bit of a humorous story: I brought up one dress for the wedding. I had worn it to my brother’s wedding in August, so I didn’t even think about trying it on. I knew I’d need to steam it once I got to the venue because it was silk. Wedding day comes. I go to the bride’s house to do all the bridesmaids’ hair. Two hours to the wedding, we get in the car and drive to the venue. I’m still in my yoga pants with no make-up on. I locate a steamer, and fix my dress. An hour and fifteen minutes to the ceremony, I put on my dress. It was then I discovered that I had lost weight. A lot of weight. So much that the dress did not fit. At all. It might have been okay if I just had to stand, arms down, with my chest puffed up as much as it could. But I had to sing during the ceremony and lead a flash mob for the reception. Thankfully, the style of the dress allowed me to fold and pin a good three inches over. Thank goodness for safety pins and flowy dresses.

I got to see this beauty after 6 months!

With the maid of honor! I got to help Jo make all the bridemaids’ skirts when I visited in January.

Leading the flash mob with one of the main bros.

Love Can’t Save You

Leave a reply

Listening to Gungor spurred an interesting discussion at my house over the weekend. My family and I were listening to “White Man” after my parents’ pastor had made some very good political comments in his sermon that morning. The whole song is fantastic, but the relevant part for this post is the chorus and bridge:

But God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone

Atheists and Charlatans and Communists and Lesbians
And even old Pat Robertson, oh God He loves us all
Catholic or Protestant, Terrorist or President
Everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love

So good. It’s not our place to judge, condemn, and prove wrong. We are meant to love and show them we are Christians by our love. I feel like lots of people forget that God is love and instead portray a God of jerks. But this is where the conversation got interesting. My dad made a particularly good comment, “That’s all good, but some people swing too far the other way and make love their god. God is love. Not love is god.”

God is love. Not love is god.

Love does not mean enabling and supporting everything a person wants to do, say, or believe. Love is caring enough about another person to turn them towards the face of Jesus. Let me be clear. I do not mean bashing them over the head with the bible. As believers, we have a duty to show people the only one who can save them. Jesus. Our job is not to tell them they are okay just the way they are (sin and all), but rather to show them the one who can redeem who they are despite sin. Love can’t save anyone. Only God can. Welcome people with open arms but realize that transformation has to take place. Tell them they are loved, but don’t forget that we all are sinners. We all need redemption. We all need a savior.

Love is recognizing that Jesus is the only one who can save. So lead people to God through love and allow Him to do what he does best.

Big Dreams, Big God

Leave a reply

About four months ago, I thought it would be a good idea to look into my summer plans. I knew I would have to work in Missouri (for residency reasons), and I knew that a camp was my first choice. So naturally I turned to the internet. I googled “Christian camps Missouri”, and I clicked on the first result: Kanakuk. After looking into the camp, I got really excited about working there. Their summer staff includes over 2,000 college students. That’s quite different from the 65 at the camp I work at now.

I browsed through their positions and was really excited to see the words ‘Adventure Kamp’ (Kanakuk spells anything with camp with a K). Now this isn’t just any kamp. This adventure camp includes three parts: scuba, aviation, and survival. This means scuba diving in Florida, learning how to fly planes, and surviving out in the wilderness. I knew that was the job I wanted. After a promising first general interview, I got a call from the head of the Adventure Kamp series and got the news: you have to be 21 to work adventure staff.

When I heard those words over the phone, I started crying and I realized how much I wanted that job. It felt right. I was super disappointed, but I had hopes of working adventure staff later on. The phone call ended with assurance that I would get a regular counselor position and the final word would be in February. I got over my disappointment, deciding to trust God’s timing and plan. Normally, not knowing what I would be doing over the summer would stress me out a lot, but I really felt that God would work everything out for the best. Meantime, I focused on growing closer to God and relying on him for strength in school as I went through the motions of everyday life.

A week ago, I was feeling really discouraged on my drive to school. Usually I pray for different people on my drive, but that particular day, I prayed “God, I’m really discouraged. You’re a big God and I need something big to encourage me today.” I felt a bit sheepish at praying such a bold prayer. Little did I realize how big of a God I serve. That afternoon I got another call from Kanakuk. Seeing the name of the Adventure staff director pop up on my phone, I froze not wanting to get my hopes up. I answered the phone. “Hello Samantha, I was wondering if you were still interested in being a counselor for adventure camp?” I explained that I wasn’t 21, and so I wasn’t able to be a counselor. That’s when I heard the news, “We still have one female staff position that we need to fill, and it’s yours if you want it.” WHAT??? I could barely contain my excitement, still hardly believing it.

But in order to accept this offer, God still had to work one more miracle. I was enrolled in 17 credits, but needed 20 to graduate. I needed 3 more credits somehow. Frantically I considered my options: I could CLEP a course or take an 8 week class. In order to sign up for another class, I needed to get the college’s permission. So I made my appointment, met with an adviser, filled out the paperwork and waited. I wrote in my journal, “everything about this job is so impossible that if it works out, the whole thing was God.” Well, it all worked out.

I AM GOING ON ADVENTURE CAMP

How faithful is God? Seriously. He proves his goodness over and over again. Don’t think your plans are too big for God. He is so so much bigger than my deepest hopes. Who would think that I would ever learn how to fly a plane or scuba dive? Or get to go on adventures for Christ? Or get to teach kids about Jesus for a job?

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,”