This post belongs to a series on the inner mess of my mind. If this seems at all interesting, begin by reading “1. Uncovering the Mess”. Welcome.

Summer of 2017 at camp was an oasis. By the end of staff training I had made genuine friends and developed a deep love for these people I had only known for two weeks. The openness, compassion, and honor of these people was amazing. I felt joy for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again. I was having fun. There was something so different about my fellow staff. I have been a part of many christian groups over the years and I have never come across such amazing people as those at Lake Geneva Youth Camp. These people have their struggles, failures, and shortcomings just like everyone else. We had our personal and theological differences. I got frustrated with some of them at times, but as a whole, we were a united front. I was feeling good about the friends I had made and enjoyed getting to know these people more and more each day. I finally felt like I was growing instead of fading away. I had a group of girls who would grow with me, cry with me, and be silly with me. But I was challenged by two 20 year-old men.

First was the spiritual devotion and theological wisdom of Aaron. Aaron has seen his fare share of pain and abandonment. Yet continues to dig into the spirit and word. The more life is difficult, the dipper into God he abides. He has a gift for prayer. At school he spends two hours in the morning in prayer every day before class. When he prays for people his words are powerful. He truly believes what he is praying, is investing in what he is praying for, and has faith in who he is praying to. The result is miraculous. I had never met anyone who was so obviously seeking God before. I had heard about this kind of devotion, but never witnessed it. Here was someone who was a deep thinker, who had suffered, and asked tough questions. Yet concludes Jesus is the answer every time. To Aaron, everything was about God because God was the only thing worth being about. I started re-evaluating myself and found myself missing something.

And then there was charismatic, fun-loving Edward. Edward was instantly liked by everyone he met. He was kind, funny, and brought life where ever he went. Even some of the staff that didn’t get along super well were soon getting along when Edward was there. He united the whole group. He was genuinely excited to be at camp, but nothing got him more excited than talking about Jesus. He was eager to learn and love. And it was contagious. During his testimony at staff training (we all took turns sharing in morning devos), he shared that he had only been a Christian for 8-months. Eight months? I was shocked. How could such a “perfect” Christian be less than a year old? He finished his testimony with these words, the words that haunted me, “I don’t know that much about the Bible. I don’t know every story or every person. I don’t know every technical term or definition. But I know the gospel.”

At first these words confused me. The bible and the gospel where the same thing, right? As I reflected and battled with these words I realized that I knew the Bible and Christianity, but I didn’t know the gospel. Unlike Edward, I hadn’t felt the freedom of sin lifted. I hadn’t felt that peace. I hadn’t felt, as Aaron concluded, that Jesus is the only thing worth being about. I was following the Bible and Christianity more than I was following Jesus and the Spirit. No wonder I couldn’t share Jesus with people at MIZZOU — I only really knew about religion.

I firmly believe that I was saved at this time, but God was definitely working a in my life at this time. Looking back, he was very gracious. He gave me good friends who loved Him, but more than that, he gave me some people to help and some people to help me. I am the type of person that feels useless if I am not helping people, and there were some staff members who really did need support. (I probably put too much of my worth and pride in helping others, but that is a discussion for another time). Because I have focused so much of my life on being the person who helps others, I never really had asked any elder for guidance. The College Staff Supervisors at camp where some of the most amazing people I had ever met. They were in the process of raising support to be missionaries in Africa, and they were hoping to move oversees by September of that year. Yet in their fundraising process, they completely poured themselves our for the 65+ college staff that summer. By June, I was calling them mom and dad. I talked with my camp mom about the spiritual struggles I was going through. I wanted God to speak to me the way He spoke to her, but I felt like he was always silent. I told her I felt like God wasn’t doing anything in my life or using me (and I really wanted to be useful). I told her that I didn’t like how boring my testimony was (I mean come on, “I grew up in church and don’t remember when I was saved” is never a crowd favorite).

Camp mom really challenged me. She told me that I should be thankful God has spared me from having an “interesting testimony” for that oftentimes comes with pain beyond imagining. She challenged me to know God, not just know about the Bible. She gave me the book Experiencing God, and I was struck by the words, “God is more interested in you getting to know him rather than you doing things for him” and “God is already working around you. Pray that he would show you where to join his work”. These ideas had never been stated to me so plainly. It isn’t about doing things for God and being the perfect Christian girl who helps all the other lost sheep. It is just about knowing and loving God.

By the end of the summer, I felt rejuvenated. I had the months of community (people to walk with, people to help lead, and people helping to lead me). God had even provided new housing at MIZZOU through one girl I had met at camp. I would be living in the Christian Campus House for my last semester at school. God seemed to be a provider for the first time in my life.

But my new found enthusiasm didn’t last long at school. After all, if it is all about knowing God, how the heck do you do that?