I have been lied to.

Following emotions and moments does in fact lead to heartache. It did feel incredibly like freedom, but it wasn’t real. I was trying to live the “not yet” now. Trying to enjoy intimacies only safe with commitment without one. Trying to enjoy the freedom of connection with no attachment. I so wanted to believe that complete rawness, complete openness was freedom. But when every whim is followed, every thought spoken, every desire indulged in, your very actions become the chains that imprison you. Nothing is concrete, nothing is secure; everything is susceptible to every passing fancy. There is no principle, no higher meaning.

In pursuit of catching every thought that dances across your mind, you lose your sense of identity and become nothing more than each exposed fantasy you indulge in. When the focus of these thoughts leaves or loses interest or betrays, your identity is gone. Who are you? Who are you when you cannot trust the deepest parts of yourself? Who are you when you cannot trust the deep desire of your heart or rely on the convictions of your brain? What is real when the strongest feelings lead to betrayal?

Of course I know the Christian response to such questions. I sincerely hope Jesus and the Bible is real. Otherwise nothing is.

I am learning or relearning what true freedom is. I am determined not to give way to whatever my feelings think up. I am more than my feelings. I will not jeopardize the “not yet” for some shadow now. I will trust in the timing of the Lord.

I do look forward to the time I can be completely open with no shame or fear. Yes I even long for it. But trying to have that now is impossible. It will not last. So I will patiently wait. I will patiently wait to share myself. I will patiently wait to open myself fully. I will patiently wait for the one I can show all my scars to and know he will spend his life covering those wounds. I will wait for the one I can give all my weapons to and know he will never raise them against me.

Oh the joy when God’s faithfulness is proved and the wait over. Oh the joy when the “not yet” become the “yes! now!” For in that moment it will be “yes now, and yes forever!”