Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

Running camps is the highlight of my summer. I love organizing memorable experience and creating unique themes. I love hanging out with the campers and seeing them grow. I love being able to share exuberant energy and seeing it brighten the atmosphere. I love being able to be excited about things adults aren’t supposed to get excited about anymore. Yes, camp is a wonderful thing — most of the time. You see, every week there will be a camper who will go down in infamy. A camper whose name will be remembered forever more. There may even be whole situations or rules shorted to just a name: “We have an Elliot situation”, “Code Silas”, “We have another Jacob this week”. What does it take to be so remembered by staff? What does it take to have a counselor shiver at the sight of a name on a fresh roster? What does it take for indescribable joy to overcome a director who sees that a camper has finally aged out of camp? Well, it is different for every one of these infamous campers. But they truly find a way to be remembered in the worst way possible.

I’ve dealt with many a “bad” camper in my 5 years of working camp. But this this past week, I’ve had the humbling experience of working with the most difficult camper of my life. Miss Mary (pseudonym) is the textbook definition of contrary. She is completely defiant and seems to make it her sole mission to oppose anything I say. She talks over other campers. She will sneak out of the camp room. She will dunk her head in the sink just to cause a puddling trail behind her. She tries to scare the younger kids with stories of snakes and death all the while grinning. She gets frustrated when told not to do something and will just look at you and continue to do it. She will cover her ears and shout “everyone be quiet, everyone be quiet” when you ask her to lower her voice. She will sit on the ground and stare at you when you ask her to please move — her eyes piercing back as if saying, “How are you going to make me?”

I write all this first, but Mary is much more complicated than a washboard list of negative behaviors and qualities. My week with Mary reached the pinnacle on Thursday when I sat patiently while Mary had a 45 minute tantrum. She had run outside after I told her she could not talk over the other campers in our lunch program. She knew she was supposed to stay inside (I had told her many times throughout the week), so I stood my ground and put her in a proper time out. This is when the tears came. The cries got louder and behavior more defiant, but I just sat and listed. I had learned by that point in the week that a lot of her behavior was attention seeking. So I calmly listened while she screamed. And while I listened, my heart broke.

“No one listens to me. No one. Not anyone… They all just talk and talk and don’t listen… No one is my friend… All this is rules, rules, rules… Masks kill people and the animals… six feet, six feet… The governor ruined everything… how are we supposed to make friends with six feet? It’s all fake. It’s the governor’s fault. Everyone is just afraid… I haven’t been with anyone since school was let out… No one is around… I just did whatever… and now it’s all social distancing and rules.. My parents just wanted me gone, that’s why I’m here… How are you supposed to have fun? No one listens… Nobody cares… No one. Not anyone.”

These are just some of the sentiments this 9 year old shared. There is a lot going on in these words. Frustration at seeing other kids making friends, but no one making friends with her. Lack of understanding and stress around COVID-19 and the strange new world it has thrust us into. Overhearing information from parents that goes against county guidelines. Lack of structure at home during the school closures. This girl really is struggling with some serious things. I would wispier, “I hear you. I’m listening. You are right, this is so hard. You are being so brave.” as she repeated these thoughts over and over through tears. My suspicions were solidified with this break down: Mary did not have proper discipline or praise at home. See one of Mary’s previous meltdowns occurred after she got embarrassed from messing up a drawing. She begins screaming when she feels like people are not paying attention to her. She tells scary stories to captive an audience and feel powerful. She is not given any affirmation, so instead she takes attention. The problem is, you cannot make friends that way. Yet this is the only way she has learned to make people notice her.

She does not listen to authority in any form because she has never had a healthy fear of consequences. She has learned she can do whatever she wants and there will be no repercussions. If she screams to watch a movie, and you turn on the TV, she has won. She knows “if I want this, all I have to do is be obnoxious enough”. It is a lot more work to deal with the screams and tears than to just turn on Netflix. She has observed her parents disregarding authority and passing blame, and like a sponge, she mimics their same verbiage in her fits. She has never learned that sometimes you have to do something you don’t like just because it is the right thing to do. She has never learned sometimes you have to do something you don’t like just because it is a rule. Mary does not believe rules apply to her, just like her parents do not.

I saw all this still realize that there was much more going on that I would never see. I wanted to hold this girl even if she pushed me away and tell her, “You are amazing. You are special. You are loved. It is crazy right now, but you will be okay because I’ve got you. You don’t have to worry about any of this, because I’m holding you.” But for my own safety, I cannot hold a camper – I cannot hold a young girl who has never been given affirmation.

My mind was spinning as I thought of ways to help this girl. She needs positive affirmation. She needs to be noticed when she does something right or good. She needs encouragement. But she also needs discipline. She needs to learn how to take responsibility. She needs social skills coaching. She needs to learn some hard lesson that will make her life miserable for a while but her life would forever be miserable if she did not learn.

After the tantrum had resolved (I redirected her focus onto a chalk drawing she had done earlier, and we spent the rest of the day drawing outside), I sat back at my desk exhausted. And I realized something very important. I was not her parent. I was not her therapist. I was not her behavior coach. Her parents did not send her to camp to be “fixed”. Her parents were not paying me to fix her. In fact, it was impossible for me to fix 9 years worth of problems in one week. I think it is an admirable quality to want to help. But it was a relief when I realized in the most practical sense that there was nothing I could do for this girl. Yes, I could tell her that her art project was pretty. I could praise her for keeping her hands to herself. I could try my best to correct her inappropriate behavior. However, when it came to psychological issues and home life, I had no power.

I was saddened by this realization though it was a necessary revelation for my own peace of mind — It was not by job to fix her. Heck, it wasn’t even my responsibility to discipline her. It was just my job to get her through the day. So what did I do the next day over the lunch program?

I put on a movie.

4. Gospel and Religion

This post belongs to a series on the inner mess of my mind. If this seems at all interesting, begin by reading “1. Uncovering the Mess”. Welcome.

Summer of 2017 at camp was an oasis. By the end of staff training I had made genuine friends and developed a deep love for these people I had only known for two weeks. The openness, compassion, and honor of these people was amazing. I felt joy for the first time in a long time. I was laughing again. I was having fun. There was something so different about my fellow staff. I have been a part of many christian groups over the years and I have never come across such amazing people as those at Lake Geneva Youth Camp. These people have their struggles, failures, and shortcomings just like everyone else. We had our personal and theological differences. I got frustrated with some of them at times, but as a whole, we were a united front. I was feeling good about the friends I had made and enjoyed getting to know these people more and more each day. I finally felt like I was growing instead of fading away. I had a group of girls who would grow with me, cry with me, and be silly with me. But I was challenged by two 20 year-old men.

First was the spiritual devotion and theological wisdom of Aaron. Aaron has seen his fare share of pain and abandonment. Yet continues to dig into the spirit and word. The more life is difficult, the dipper into God he abides. He has a gift for prayer. At school he spends two hours in the morning in prayer every day before class. When he prays for people his words are powerful. He truly believes what he is praying, is investing in what he is praying for, and has faith in who he is praying to. The result is miraculous. I had never met anyone who was so obviously seeking God before. I had heard about this kind of devotion, but never witnessed it. Here was someone who was a deep thinker, who had suffered, and asked tough questions. Yet concludes Jesus is the answer every time. To Aaron, everything was about God because God was the only thing worth being about. I started re-evaluating myself and found myself missing something.

And then there was charismatic, fun-loving Edward. Edward was instantly liked by everyone he met. He was kind, funny, and brought life where ever he went. Even some of the staff that didn’t get along super well were soon getting along when Edward was there. He united the whole group. He was genuinely excited to be at camp, but nothing got him more excited than talking about Jesus. He was eager to learn and love. And it was contagious. During his testimony at staff training (we all took turns sharing in morning devos), he shared that he had only been a Christian for 8-months. Eight months? I was shocked. How could such a “perfect” Christian be less than a year old? He finished his testimony with these words, the words that haunted me, “I don’t know that much about the Bible. I don’t know every story or every person. I don’t know every technical term or definition. But I know the gospel.”

At first these words confused me. The bible and the gospel where the same thing, right? As I reflected and battled with these words I realized that I knew the Bible and Christianity, but I didn’t know the gospel. Unlike Edward, I hadn’t felt the freedom of sin lifted. I hadn’t felt that peace. I hadn’t felt, as Aaron concluded, that Jesus is the only thing worth being about. I was following the Bible and Christianity more than I was following Jesus and the Spirit. No wonder I couldn’t share Jesus with people at MIZZOU — I only really knew about religion.

I firmly believe that I was saved at this time, but God was definitely working a in my life at this time. Looking back, he was very gracious. He gave me good friends who loved Him, but more than that, he gave me some people to help and some people to help me. I am the type of person that feels useless if I am not helping people, and there were some staff members who really did need support. (I probably put too much of my worth and pride in helping others, but that is a discussion for another time). Because I have focused so much of my life on being the person who helps others, I never really had asked any elder for guidance. The College Staff Supervisors at camp where some of the most amazing people I had ever met. They were in the process of raising support to be missionaries in Africa, and they were hoping to move oversees by September of that year. Yet in their fundraising process, they completely poured themselves our for the 65+ college staff that summer. By June, I was calling them mom and dad. I talked with my camp mom about the spiritual struggles I was going through. I wanted God to speak to me the way He spoke to her, but I felt like he was always silent. I told her I felt like God wasn’t doing anything in my life or using me (and I really wanted to be useful). I told her that I didn’t like how boring my testimony was (I mean come on, “I grew up in church and don’t remember when I was saved” is never a crowd favorite).

Camp mom really challenged me. She told me that I should be thankful God has spared me from having an “interesting testimony” for that oftentimes comes with pain beyond imagining. She challenged me to know God, not just know about the Bible. She gave me the book Experiencing God, and I was struck by the words, “God is more interested in you getting to know him rather than you doing things for him” and “God is already working around you. Pray that he would show you where to join his work”. These ideas had never been stated to me so plainly. It isn’t about doing things for God and being the perfect Christian girl who helps all the other lost sheep. It is just about knowing and loving God.

By the end of the summer, I felt rejuvenated. I had the months of community (people to walk with, people to help lead, and people helping to lead me). God had even provided new housing at MIZZOU through one girl I had met at camp. I would be living in the Christian Campus House for my last semester at school. God seemed to be a provider for the first time in my life.

But my new found enthusiasm didn’t last long at school. After all, if it is all about knowing God, how the heck do you do that?

Dreams and Privilege

These days are strange. I start most texts with, “I hope you are doing well in these crazy times.” When I turn onto once full main roads, they are now empty. Stores are closed. All gatherings and social events have been cancelled for at least a month. Schools are shut down. Most people are working remotely. We have been told not to leave our homes except for groceries and exercise. If you would have told me at the beginning to 2020 that this is where we would be, I wouldn’t have believed you. Yet here we are. The whole world is seemingly shut down or at least drastically impacted. COVID-19 has swept across the world.

At first glance things appear to resemble doomsday or the apocalypse, but there is another side to this story…

These days are strange. When I turn onto roads once packed with cars, I am now met with neighbors walking, biking, and enjoying the beautiful weather. Hearts are opened with friends and acquaintances checking in on each other and actually freely giving if there is a need. Families usually separated by busy work and school lives are now together. There is no pressure to attend every event/fundraiser/birthday party. No pressure to have it all together. With less to consume, people are turning to creating. With less to purchase, credit cards and bank accounts get a break. Everyone gets a break. For the first time in a long time, the whole world is taking a deep breath.

Although the world has been turned upside down, I can’t help but hope… dream… that we will live differently after this. I hope we can take some of the good. I hope we see that we CAN change overnight.

I hope individuals realize the do not need as much as they thought. I hope they treasure the relationships they have. I hope parents take active roles in their children’s lives and appreciate teachers, coaches, babysitters, and instructors for everything they have done to aid and support their kids. I hope people see community as a blessing and neighborly friendship as a given — not an exception. I hope people pick up hobbies again. I hope they take time for themselves. I hope they take time to reflect, not just react. I hope individuals look for something more than just this life.

I hope corporations realize that they can be more flexible. I hope they see that happier families means healthier employees and a healthier economy. I hope remote work is more common place to decrease pollution and keep families together. I hope CEOs see the clear skies and rivers and take a responsibility for pollution. I hope businesses appreciate the working class that keep the everyday, “unimportant” tasks going.

I hope governments see that healthcare is important for everyone. I hope politicians care more about the health of individuals than the stock market. I hope they regulate business and hold them accountable to practice sustainability. I hope they invest in renewable and clean energy sources rather than immediate easy access.

This is my prayer. I hope the world learns to slow down and take a breath. I hope the world learns to connect. I hope the world wants to be better. I hope we get better. I hope this virus isn’t for nothing. I pray that this isn’t for nothing. I pray God will use this crazy time to make a lasting change here on earth for eternity — for His glory which is our good.

*****

I feel often feel guilty for such naive dreams. I slowly recognize it is only my privilege that allows me to dream. I can look at the factories shut down and dream of a world with less pollution. Yet many have lost jobs and are in a place of great uncertainty. I can see schools closed and dream of families reunited. Yet school is a safe place for many children with terrible home lives. I can stock up on weeks worth of food and not worry about the money. Yet some families cannot afford to do so and risk not having enough available to them when they need it. I can see the world on pause and think of how wonderful the break is. Yet seniors and those with some mental disabilities are dramatically affected by the change of rhythm. I can feel blessed by friends and neighbors checking in on me. Yet there are others who are experiencing complete isolation right now. I can go out and feel safe in a makeshift facemask. Yet my African American neighbors risk being labeled as suspicious or worse if they do the same. I can honestly enjoy this time. Yet those most susceptible to this virus are fearing for their physical safety. And my Asian brothers and sisters are anxious as racism sores in the face of fear.

Yes, it is only my privilege that allows me to dream of a better tomorrow. My age, race, health, and status in society give me yet another kind of privilege – the privilege to think beyond today and the luxury to see a silver lining. When I think of all this, I am overwhelmed. Change is so simple in my mind. A better tomorrow is just a day away for me. But that is not the case for so many. Are these dreams naive? Should I just morn this broken world? After all, how could all this be fixed? And even if it is fixed for me and my “world”, would my “better world” bring hardship upon others? How should I continue? How can I help?

Awareness, I feel, is not enough. Yet my head starts spinning thinking of all the areas in the world that truly need justice. I have no answers today. But I have hope. I have hope in the One who holds are things together and who promises to bring a new heaven and a new earth. And while I hope in my Redeemer and follow his call, I can also grieve for all those made in His image who tangibly feel the weight of sin on this world in ways I never will.

It might be a k-drama if

  1. Someone chases a bus/ car that the other main character is in
  2. Someone gets kidnapped/locked up
  3. A main character gets sick and the other main character nurses them back to health
  4. The main character is probably sick from one of the following options
    • Being out in the cold
    • Being out in the rain (without an umbrella or rain coat)
    • Over working (most likely working all night in the cold or rain)
  5. There is a disapproving ajuma (older woman) or halmeoni (grandma)
  6. Instead of holding hands, main character goes for a wrist grab
  7. You have to wait until half way through the series for the real first kiss
  8. Someone cooks for the other person (and is very quick at chopping veggies)
  9. Someone calls the other main character stupid, dummy, or fool (??!)
  10. A main character is admitted to the hospital
  11. The two main characters hate each other at first
  12. The female lead gets drunk and admits something she would never have otherwise admitted
  13. People drink soju — lots of soju
  14. The female lead is a poor, quirky girl surrounded by multiple tall handsome men
  15. There is always a second male lead who doesn’t get the girl
  16. The second male lead is kinder and sweeter than the main male lead
  17. There are one to four girls who are jealous of the female lead and make her life difficult
  18. There is a scene where the female lead puts on makeup
  19. There is a scene where the male lead puts on a suit
  20. Finally, after both the female lead and male leads have confessed their love for each other, one or the other has to avoid the other (or get engaged to someone else) for “family reasons”
  21. The female lead yells at the male lead for being stuck up and/or cruel
  22. The male lead gives the female lead a piece of jewelry (most likely a necklace or hairpin)
  23. The male lead yells at the female lead for making some mistake (probably losing the jewelry he gave her) without knowing the whole story
  24. The male lead gives the female lead a VERY DRAMATIC back hug
  25. Someone is a CEO, president, prince, or artist
  26. There is a playful surprise kiss
  27. The male lead gives the female lead a makeover
  28. Someone goes grocery shopping
  29. The male lead is constantly criticizing the female lead or is steadfast in pursuing her (or both at the same time)
  30. Someone is related to someone else (surprise!)
  31. Someone hugs someone while the other person just stands there awkwardly
  32. A main lead changes clothes in the same room as the other main lead making the other skirmish. The following words are probably said, “What are you doing?!” “Turn around” “There is nothing to even see”
  33. It is a HUGE DEAL when the main lead says “I love you”
  34. Parents are always whacking their kids’ backs, and older siblings are always hitting their siblings
  35. One of the main leads moves away for some period of time for one of the following reasons
    • Learning or running the family business
    • Studying abroad for some random program like coffee making or perfume
  36. Someone calls someone else a pervert or a stalker at some point
  37. Someone has a traumatic past or secret
  38. One of the leads is allergic to something (most likely crabs in soy sauce) or they have an irrational fear (such as swimming or elevators)
  39. Someone tries a new food for the first time and loves it
  40. There are less than 25 episodes in the whole show

kk

What I learned about leadership from the worst job I ever had

This past year has brought a variety of struggles. My job was a particularly negative aspect of my life. When I first started this job, I was told that I would need to have a “tough skin”, so i was prepared for harsh comments, but I was not prepared for what the job was actually like. The lack of clarity and standards always left me guessing (and my guesses were always wrong). I felt like I had to prove I was trustworthy at every instance instead of being respected and valued.

Before working this job, I had never really felt anxiety before. But every morning I was genuinely anxious and some days even afraid to go to work. I am typically someone who cares deeply about all aspects of my life — specifically my work. But it was too painful to care about this job. There were no rewards to caring. Your ideas were not heard, you questions unanswered. The office was so quiet I felt like I was suffocating. You really could hear a pin drop. When the main boss was out of the office, people finally felt like they could breath. But the environment didn’t get better. People only talked about how frustrated they were or how they had been wronged at the job. There were no secrets — yet there was no communication. I felt myself shutting down. Nervousness turned to silence, turned to bitterness, turned to me being annoyed most of the time. I was so irritable. I think I glared through most days. I was completely unheard and defiantly defensive.

Even though it was by far the worst job I have ever had, I did learn several things about leadership and management.

1. It starts at the top: There is something to grassroots action, but when it comes to a work environment, you as the leader set the standard. Be someone worthy of respect — i.e. be respectful towards others. Value their time, input, and talents. Make sure you are a leader — not a boss — by equipping your employees to succeed in their roles.

2. Set Expectations: As a supervisor, you should clearly define the expectations for your employees. If you want reports turned in by a certain time, make that deadline clear. Create a framework so your employee knows how to practically do their job. When something fails, look back on that framework to determine what went wrong. Expectations also go both ways. Decide with your employee what they expect of you and follow through on those items.

3. Give employees freedom over their work: When you hire someone, you should trust them to handle their job. Their judgement calls and decisions should be backed up and considered first. Refrain from nitpicking. Ask yourself, “Is this a change that needs to be made or is it a person preference of mine?” or “does this detail matter in the long run?”

4. A leader is there for their employees: Instead of looking at employees as peons to complete your mission, view yourself as a coordinator to help your employees succeed. What do they need to get the job done? Is it direction, resources, or training? Provide those things. If someone is drowning – save them. Do not get irritated that they can’t swim.

5. Back off: Do not breath down employee’s backs. If you feel like you have to micro manage, ask yourself why. Is a job not getting done? Are you too particular? If someone does need more attention, create further expectations. For example if people are not working enough hours, instead of watching security cameras and tracking their hours, have your employee create a schedule in advance and turn that into you. communicate what will happen if they fail to follow the schedule. This still gives the employee freedom, but sets expectations that both people understand.

6. Allow your employees to make mistakes: Obviously there are clear expectations that should be met, but you should allow employees to have creative freedom to make mistakes. When a mistake is made, communicate to your staff that you appreciate their efforts and are thankful that they trusted you to inform you of the mistake. Ask your employee what they would suggest to amend the error or ask them what they would do differently. As a leader, you should guide this conversation to be a productive learning experience for your employee.

There are just a few of the many things I learned this past year. Chin up. No matter how bad things are, they can get better. Take the good and learn from the bad.